when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
