i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You made out with two different species that night
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
