I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
