Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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