He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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