I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
