I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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