I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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