I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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