My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
