Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There's always time for handjobs
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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