Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You're breaking my sexual little heart
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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