We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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