Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
