i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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