Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
