Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
