Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
