Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
