I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
