I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
