In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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