I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You took a bar mat shot.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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