I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
