Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
