I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
