Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
