I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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