girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
