I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize