i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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