you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
