I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
