He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
