The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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