So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
