I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
