I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
