Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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