Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We left the knife in your bed.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My dick has a subreddit
Everclear isn't food dammit
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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