No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
