my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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