i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
