How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
