I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
