Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
sarcasm needs its own font
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
