I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
