I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
