Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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