i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
