I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
