even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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