I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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