I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
