you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
