He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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