im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There's always time for handjobs
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
