shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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