I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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