look no pants
time to smoke my breakfast
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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