Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
