All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
