I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
