The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
