??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Let's paint friendship bongs
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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